Monday, May 21, 2012

Bad Meets Evil, or Smacks of Witchery

OK, where to begin?

And yes I know that I started the last post off with "OK" too. You're not gonna be a problem are you?
Don't make me come over there.....
Now that that's over, there is something that I need to tell you guys...

I'm not sure where to begin....

I started this blog as a means of talking about food, of sharing my thoughts and recipes and as kind of the web-based arm of my plan for global domination.

Brought to you by the fine folks at C.O.B.R.A. Also, all of your base are belong to us.

So, mostly, I want to be positive. Tell you guys about my latest recipe or new favorite thing in food. Keep a positive spin on things so you guys can read along and say "Hey that Welch guy is right! Deep fried macaroni IS a good thing!" or "Wow.... that Lion Chef guy! Boy is his wife lucky! I think I'll order 40 pounds of his low-fat Pepperoni Lasagna right now!!*" (Both of which are true by the way.)

But, because of what happened to me earlier this week, I can't. I'm forced to (try) tell you about something that I don't like. Something no one should like. Something that has no place in our world. Something....Evil.

Pure soul-numbing evil....
(did you hear that??)

But, I'm getting ahead of myself. Before there was evil, there was ice cream. And a coupon.

Pictured: Kroger's New Coupon Printing Specialist
Let me begin at the beginning...
*Deep breath* Alright...

A few nights ago I was in my local  Kroger.


Like I do.

I was in search of  Peppermint Ice Cream for the aforementioned Mrs. Welch.

I don't know when Peppermint "Season" is, but I'm almost certain that it ain't in May.

And, as we do a good deal of our shopping there, I was also in possession of a coupon for a free "pint" of Haagen-Dazs. I know right? The good stuff! For free! Looking back, I should have known. But I can't blame the sweet, sweet taste of premium ice cream for what happened later..

Apparently the road to Hell is paved in sweet, tropical creaminess....
So there I was. I had acquired both ice creams and if I had just checked out and come home, maybe I could still sleep at night without the lights on. Without a crucifix under my pillow. But, thanks in no small part to the $20/month that I pay in gym fees and to those who say I need to eat more green stuff (Looking at you Rissa and Judith E.), I decided to meander over to the produce dept. to see if there was anything that I wanted instead of ice cream. Instead of free ice cream. Free Haagen-Dazs ice cream! I see now that I had already been bewitched. 

The Gates of Hell. Pictured: One of those handcarts. 

Anyhoo, there I was. Looking over the glorious bounty of Mother Earth. And keeping an eye out for birds.

(There's almost always a bird or two flying around in there and if I see them I like to chuck a few cherry tomatoes at them. Gotta have a hobby.)

I did them the favor of sampling the occasional Bing cherry (not sweet), for quality control purposes. Free of charge, but hey I'm a giver.

As I rounded the corner, moving from the grape section to the apple section (Notice that they are in 2 SEPARATE sections, it'll be important later), my eye was drawn some "apples" in plastic packaging. Wedged right between the apples and the grapes. In a manner that can only be described as lascivious.

I have no idea why that box of dates is in there.
Now, I like apples. And these, packed in what I can only assume now are the solidified tears of children, looked pretty tasty. Besides at $4.99 for four apples I wanted to know what was so special about them. You've heard what they say about curiosity, right? Below is what I saw...

How much is your soul worth? With card?
What you see there is a 4-pack of Grapple (Pronounced Grape-L), apparently endorsed by  Grape Ape . (Beegle Beagle could not be reached for comment). 'What,' you ask, 'Is a Grapple (pronounced Grape-L)?' How careless you are with your innocence...

If you haven't clicked on that link up there, then I'll tell you. It is a ostensibly a grape-flavored Gala or Fuji apple. I know, I know. I thought the same thing at first. "Hmmm," thought I, "I like grapes and I like apples. This sounds like a win-win." I considered putting back my FREE HAAGEN-DAZS ICE CREAM and dropping $5 on these novelty apples. 

And by apple, I mean hell-fruit.

Then it hit me. 

I had some serious misgivings about this. And a ton of questions. Why would I or any sane person want this? Why would I forsake free for paying? Who in the HELL (spoiler alert) wants a grape-flavored apple??!! Who in the hell left the gate open?? Who the hell is Roxanne?? How did I even consider this for a second, as it smacks of witchery? How many times can I work "smacks of witchery" into a conversation? So I did what any strong, grown, independent adult would do: 

I called my Mom. 

I don't have any exorcists in my contacts list.

"Yes, I'd like to use my Phone-A-Friend." " Hello, God?"

I won't go into all of the details of that conversation, but suffice to say to she was as alarmed as I was. And I was totally nonplussed. All of my plus had been taken right out me. I may have even said so aloud, but I'm not sure.

The website of this abomination product, speaks of some secret, proprietary process for infusing apples with the souls of children grape flavor. And I won't lie to you, friends and neighbors, I have no idea what that process is. There is some mention of soaking the apples in a solution for a period of time, but can that really be all that there is to it? If so, puts a whole new spin on bobbing for apples doesn't it?
"Yay, mine tastes like menthol!!"

Listen, I've given this some thought. There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just say what I know to be true. This smacks of witchery, pseudo-science and sorcery. Anything that can, however momentarily, make me consider putting back ice cream obviously has the Wicked Witch's Seal of Approval.

Not pictured: Farmer.

Or would that be a Seal Of Disapproval?  Or is that a double negative?

Plus, who needs a seal to approve anything? And how could a seal hold a rubber stamp with those flippers?


Anyway, long story short, I left Kroger with ice cream in hand, absolutely no combobulation, a tear in my eye and a prayer in my heart. My Pineapple Coconut was slightly melted from having been so close to the Inferno, but that's ok. I lived to tell the tale. 

*now humming Madonna's Live to Tell* (don't judge me) 

And most of all to warn you. 

You know, about the evil. But hey, you don't have to believe me.

Make up your own mind. You can find me in Bi-Lo if you need me.
With my new friend....

*My Pepperoni Lasagna is not low-fat. But if you needed me to tell you that, does it even really matter?

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